I struggle

I don’t like my body. I don’t like my looks. I don’t like my face. I am not pretty. I am not good enough. Why did God made me that way? How could a man ever want me? How could I ever be attractive to a man?

These are the the lies I told myself pretty much in my whole teenage years. These are the questions I asked myself a hundred times.

Over the last months I could feel and see that God is healing me. I feel blessed to finally say that I am ready to share my story with you guys today. Hoping to encourage all the beautiful ladies out there. This post has been on my heart ever since I started that blog. I hope to encourage you with it. 

God can turn your mess into a message. So here’s my mess:

I don’t know exactly when I started to feel unattractive and insecure. Probably when I got in my teenage years. Anyways, those feelings became a part of me. And they crept in my daily life. They were in almost everything I did. I I was insecure. I din’t feel comfortable in my body anymore. And it got worse so fast. These days a began to pray for a change. I prayed that God would change the way my body looked like. I told him what I wished for. Things didn’t change.  Months and years passed. I didn’t feel like a 18 year old girl „should feel“. I let society tell me how I should look like. I wasn’t comfortable at all with my "woman’s part“ & there was nothing I could do against that. In addition to that I  also started to feel fat, even though I secretly knew I wasn't. It just hurt me so bad that I didn’t fit in that „ideal". I prayed so hard for a change. And I began to blame God.

So many nights I found myself crying to sleep, yelling to God. With time and season who passed without a change I got angry. Like real angry.  I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t fulfill my little dream. I was like: Others are praying for world peace. (which is good, don’t get me wrong) can it be so hard for you to just fulfill my „little" dream? Can it be that hard? I spend so much strength, emotions and thoughts about this prayer for years. I secretly knew that I was praying wrong. I should have prayed for a change in my heart instead of my body. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want my heart to change. I needed a change of my body. I needed it so desperately. I cried myself to sleep because I thought I wasn’t good enough. In these times the devil hold me in his arms.  And in those moments I didn’t find the strength to stand up, to tell myself that these are all lies. In those moments I didn’t even find the strength to turn my face to my loving father, to just seek him. I believed in the devil’s lies and I proclaimed them over my life. They were a part of me. And they followed me wherever I went. Those lies were telling me how to act in different situation. They stole my self-worth and throwed them on the ocean ground. Every year when summer was coming and the girls were looking forward to buy a new bikini I hide myself in my room. Buying a bikini would always end up in a terrible experience which would lead to a week spent at home watching television while the sun was shining.  When someone wanted to go swimming with me I found a good excuse. And so on…

In the midst of these times I get to know a beautiful man. Some friends told me - and I believed it by myself -  that my situation would get better if I knew that a guy loves me for the way I look and the way I am. But in fact sometimes it felt even worse. I believed it when he said that I am beautiful. Still I didn’t feel really comfortable. I told myself that he deserved better and I asked him why he even fell in love with me a hundred times. What hurt the most was the fact that my situation hurt HIM. He prayed a lot for me. He did everything he could to make me feel better. I felt lucky to be loved by a man who doesn’t miss an occasion to tell me how much he loves me. A man who kisses me whenever he feels like it. A man who gives everything for me. And when my situation crept into my relationship with my darling boyfriend in a really negative way I finally realized that I needed a change. Not the change I was praying for all the years but a change in my heart. I needed to let go. To let GOD. So at new years eve I wrote on my new years-resolution-list: (haha, yeah I did that) „learn to accept myself“. I started to pray differently.

And what I then experienced is my little miracle:

It was a long process but I could feel, that God was working on me. I felt healing. Healing over my body, mind and soul. I slowly learned to accept my body and sometimes - on reeeeeally good days - I even embraced it. I decided to read books to build up my self-worth. (Stacy Eldredge has some good ones, ladies) I decided to think positive about myself. I started to talk about it with some close friends. As I once looked back while talking about it with my boyfriend I suddenly realized that I couldn’t even say when I felt really bad for the last time. Truth be told, there still were days when I looked in the mirror and didn’t felt beautiful at all. There still are days. But not like it used to be once. I didn’t call myself ugly anymore. I knew I was good enough. I was happy about that change. 

So a few days ago my boyfriend and I were talking about my free time and that I sometimes feel bored when he’s not around. I felt like I didn’t spend my time right. And what he then said to me hit me right in the face. „Maybe God is giving you so much time to tell you how beautiful you are.“ Oh guys, I cried. I cried hard. What I realized in that moment hurt me bad. I repeat it for you: "Maybe God is giving you so much time to tell you how beautiful you are.“  So many years I didn’t allow God to tell me that I am beautifully made. I just told HIM how I should look like. That made me feel sad. And I couldn’t help myself but crying, while hiding my face in his chest. I didn’t allow God to tell me how beautiful I am. That sounds so bad. And it is. I felt sorry. 

God calls me wanted, beautiful, enough. He created me. He is THE creator. And I, his masterpiece, told him not to call me so. 

What my boyfriend said to me that night was my kinda breakthrough. I feel free. I feel like I overcame it. I feel like a 20 years old woman. There will still be days I won’t feel comfortable and that is kinda normal. Every girl has those days and we know there will be better ones. Way better ones. But I decided to think positive about myself whenever I start to feel insecure. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

God made you. He created you and when he did, he looked at you and knew you were good. And you are. Good enough. You are made in the Lord’s image. How society thinks about you, your weight or looks doesn’t matter at all. What matters is how you think about yourself. Start to look at yourself how God sees you. God does not make any mistakes. You are not a mistake. Not in the way your body is formed, nor in the way you are.Your worth isn’t found in your looks or in your body. Your worth is found in Jesus Christ. Honey, you are fully complete in him. 

Like wise Matty Mullins already said: "You are special, you are loved, a perfect reflection of heaven above. God makes no mistakes, you are a miracle story!

Remember that, beauty, the next time you feel ugly, or not good enough! You are special, you are a miracle story. You are beautiful the way you are! 

Sincerely, Vanessa